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Feb. 27th, 2009



lately i have just had no desire whatsoever to do ANYTHING... i really want to get on a active bandwagon. hopefully i'll come back to this in a couple of days and say that i've actually done something.. gotten my ass off the couch and done something.

Nov. 3rd, 2008



i feel bad. not just bad... incredibly guilty.

i'm one of those people who often avoids things. i can feel aweful about something, but if i don't confront it right away i just let it stew and it gets worse and worse and worse.

a lot of aspects of my life have come to that. and i don't know what to do.

well, i know what i should do. just man up and deal with it. grow a pair, so to speak. however, i would apparantly much rather let it eat away at me than do that.

the only way this pit-of-my-stomach guilty feeling is ever going to go away is to get on the ball, but i just can't seem to.

Jun. 17th, 2007


crazy crazy crazy.

i sooooooooooooooo was not prepared to come into work tonight.. and on top of that it turned out to be completely hectic. i was going to spend the evening with my sweetie.. but i forgot that i signed up for overtime and had to come in to work at 7 instead of 11. so i got to see him for all of 45 minutes. boooooooooooooooooooooo.

everything was fine and dandy when i came in. i got a head start on my night duties since i was gonna be by myself after 11... i was super bored but figured i could spend a lot of the night watching heroes online since it seemed like it was gonna be pretty quiet. i got a short break and got something to eat and i came back and all of the sudden the whole hospital went black. it was not just black.. it was PITCH black. like i couldn't even see the hand in front of my face. it was like that for about 30 seconds.. but it felt like forever. then the lights flickered and half of the hospital came back to life. the back-up generator kicked on, but our monitors didn't. everyone was calling and i'm by myself like WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!?!?! they basically had to figure out how to turn the monitors on manually because engineering was obviously be bombarded by calls from all over the hospital. we got everything stabilized, but the computer systems were down so we had no way of entering orders into the computer and it became really boring really fast. i had all this work to do but it has to be done in our computer system.

crazy right?

so they called a code alpha.. which means hospital wide emergency, and called all the managers and on-call staff in to the "crisis command center" and just as we were sending representatives from our unit down they were sent back to tell us the main power would be coming back on (mind you this was like 2 hours later on the generator later). the lights flickered back.. but it was short lived. they went back off about 10 minutes later. omg. i was so stressin. then finally the main power kicked back up and stayed up. thank GOD, because apparantly the back-up generator only has so much power and certain machines would have randomly started shutting off even though they're connected to the emergency power source.

good thing it came back up because right after that our transport from hawaii arrived.. and a patient died. all within like 10 minutes after we got thumbs up that the power was officially back on.

i finally found out that i guess a tree fell on a main power line everything between here and los gatos went out. totally crazy. most of all, i was super bored and felt like i needed to be more stressed out.

i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO exhausted. but at least i got 4 hours OT and no meal no break pay! yay!

Jun. 8th, 2007



i don't know what to do. it's crazy how much i dread being alone with my step-dad. it's like we're from alternate universes. he can be a super cool guy, but the rest of the time i'm scared i'm gonna do something to send him off the deep end because he's constantly teeter-tottering.

i'll finish this later.

so i survived.. it wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i basically spent a lot of time in my room and working out. he's always happier with me when i exercise.. he's absolutely convinced that i'm the laziest person on the face of the planet. i'm super happy to have my mom back though. yay!

Apr. 13th, 2007

(no subject)

i'm gonna sing the doom song now!!!


wtf is it soooooooooooo windy outside. all that goddamn pollen has my sinuses screwed up and i can't breathe damnit! i mean, literally, my entire nasal passage and every sinus cavity in my head frontal, ethmoid, sphenoid, etc.. are ALL CLOGGED DAMNIT!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE PRESSURE!!!

what does this mean? it means that i can't fall asleep without benedryl, everyone keeps asking if i'm sick, and when i do sleep i sleep with my mouth open, which equals what? lots of drooling and waking up with extremely dry and cracked lips, YUCK-O!!!!

okay, time to go catch up on dancing with the stars! yay!

ooo yeah and i want to watch that new show "notes from the underbelly".. looks funny!

p.s. THROWBACK with the userpic!!!! girrrr.. why did you take out your brain?... to make room for the cupcake!

Mar. 31st, 2007



for some reason i've got some major anxiety issues lately. i'm having trouble relaxing and clearing my mind. whenever it's quiet and i'm alone (i.e. when i'm trying to fall ASLEEP), my mind races like crazy and my heart starts beating really fast, and no matter how tired i feel like i am, i can't relax enough to fall asleep. i mean, i've always had that "way" about me where the time when i think of stuff.. like what i have to do the next day or something i forgot.. is when i'm trying to fall asleep.. but this is like my mind is racing so much there are like a billion thoughts and none of them are clear. i don't get it..

i think once i get rejected from every nursing school i applied to and my taxes are done and my credit card is payed off i'll be able to sleep again.. maybe.

p.s. thursday was me and kris' FIVE YEAR anniversary! FIVE YEARS BABY! FIVE YEARS!!!

and we ate some awesome brazilian barbeque.. yumm.. i feel fat.

Mar. 22nd, 2007



sometimes i do the stupidest things.. it pisses me off.

it's like.. i do it, and i feel like i'm totally justified, until someone calls me out and then i, of course, cry like i always do and it makes me feel more aweful than i would if i just kept it to myself. and then, i always want to apologize but i have this overwhelming thing in me that keeps me from doing it. i'm totally one of those people that stews about things, even when the person has long forgot it. i continue feeling guilty about it months and months later.. even years.. because i feel so bad about it. and so you would think i would be able to apologize, but i still don't, because the moment is so far gone.

i feel aweful about what i said, and i feel aweful about the last time i snapped as well, but then hearing her go off on me like that when she didn't know i was listening. it hurt so much. i think she was being truthful to how she feels and not just angry in the moment, and it hurt me so much to hear her say those things. i want to ask if that's really the case. if i should just leave because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and doesn't want me there. but then i think about what could become of our relationship. how we've always been so much closer to being friends than being family and i get scared. i don't ever want to lose that.. but now since i heard how she feels i'm too intimidated to act like nothing ever happened. and of course, since i was stupid, i don't think she's going to come to me like she used to. and the thing that hurts the most is that it was one time.. ONE TIME that i freaked out and i feel like it's going to affect our entire relationship. 23 years of history.. down the drain?

i want to cry.

Mar. 17th, 2007


strange things..

when i just wrote that i thought of the song from toy story when woody gets all sad because his world is being taken over by buzz lightyear stuff. so sad..

that's how i felt this morning. i don't know why. i've been so happy lately.. and when i got off work i was feeling really gross so i thought going to the gym might help but it just made me feel even more exhausted and useless since i didn't have the stamina to stay and do weights after i did my cardio.. so i went home and just sulked. after i slept i felt a bit better but for some reason i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. no particular kind of rut.. just a rut. hopefully it's so fleeting it will pass in a day or so. i'm pretty excited about going out for st. patty's day. i think that having a little fun will be a good remedy for my rut. haha. that's a funny word. rut.

another strange thing.

i've been having those dreams again. i think the last time i posted about them it was "for my eyes only" but still... it's the same ones. it's so confusing to me because part of me wants to think that they mean nothing and the other part of me wants to think that they mean exactly what they seem to mean. i have such a strong desire to "deal with them".. and i know how i want to deal with them.. but i feel guilty about wanting to do that. this is such jibberish to everyone but me.. but still. it's driving me crazy. maybe i'll dream today when i get home and it will solve my issue.

yeah right.

if only it were that easy.

Mar. 12th, 2007



so i went on my break and tried to take a nap considering i'm super tired and i got this sensation of being tingly all over.. like that feeling when your foot goes to sleep, but all over.. or like when you have a fever.. or when you're about to break out in an allergic rash. so i couldn't fall asleep. and i swear it was like 5 minutes and my alarm went off. it sucked so bad. but now i'm back at the desk and not feeling tingly anymore. that was soooooooooo weird.

i'm so excited!!! i love having things to look forward to. amongst all the tax and application stress i get to countdown to.. duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. vegas!!! yayyyyy!!! and then after that.. duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. san diego!!!! DOUBLE YAY!! sure, it's no australia/tahiti... but still.. it's friends and it's fun! woohoo! it's nice to not be in school.. i guess i should be milking it for all it's worth, right?

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